Clint,

Your time line should be renamed timeless, because your spirit has no time line. You were before you joined us and forever will be in the arms of God.



The law of energy states; "Energy can be neither created nor destroyed, only changed in form." This means that we as energy, are now, always have been, and always will be! We never really die.

Clint was born in Knoxville, Tennessee on May 15, 1985 and our home was filled with joy. The minute he was placed in our arms he slid into our hearts and will remain there forever.

Clint was born at 9:18 pm on Wednesday, 5/15/1985. He was 7 lbs. 9 3/4 oz. and 21 1/2 inches long.

Blake wanted to name his new brother, Professor (Inspector) Gadget.

Only a child knows the beat of his mother's heart from the inside.

A mother scuplts her child's face with a million kisses.

May 15, 2001, was Clint's sixteenth birthday. During this time he was attending meetings with People to People for his upcoming trip.

His first new car. We spent many days washing and drying that car. He really enjoyed the newly installed sound system. We still listen for the music to come up the driveway and to pull into the garage.

The Bustle in a House
The Morning after Death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon earth—

The Sweeping up the Heart
And putting Love away
We shall not want to use again
Until Eternity.

--Emily Dickenson

 We will never put our love for you away. It is with us always.

I was out of town visiting family when Clint died. It had rained the whole time I was visiting, but just as the plane was taking off the sun began to shine. As the plane rose above the clouds a rainbow appeared. It was an amazing sight to see a rainbow from above the clouds. I felt was though Clint was saying to me, "Mom, I am okay and see how beautiful it is here."  (Now, he is somewhere over that rainbow.) It was a very long and difficult flight home that day for me.

May God hold you in the palm of His hands until we meet again.

Bill Guggenheim says in his book, Hello From Heaven, that rainbows are one of the two most commom After Death Connections.

On our first trip to the beach without Clint, I was surprised to find these pieces of shells everywhere on the beach. To me they looked like angel wings.

Blake graduated UT Law School and passed the bar exam. We know Clint would be so proud of his brother.

We miss Clint deeply and think of him always. He left a hole in our hearts that will always be there because it represents his physical presence.  When we buried his body, that piece of our hearts went with him. Now we only have memories with which to bridge that hole. 

There is nothing on the outside that could ever adequately demonstrate the depth of anguish on the inside. Sometimes it is a blessing that nature provides a sense of numbness that helps to carry us along for long while. This provides us with a way to take in the overwhelming pain of this loss a small piece at a time. If you have ever seen bereaved parents at the funeral home or out and about and think to yourself, "They seem to be doing alright." We aren't doing alright on the inside. We are in shock and going through the motions. We are doing what we have to do to get through the most horrible time in our lives. In public we may look strong at times, but in private it is a different story. Like so many others, I found the drive home from work and the shower to be good places to release my tears.

In the beginning, we were so distraught we weren't even sure we wanted to take our next breath. When the day came we decided to breathe again, we weren't sure we could because our throats were so tight. 

For the longest time there were only bad days. No place, not home, work or the trails we love, felt right or complete. Everything hurt. There was so much longing and searching. During that time the weight of grief was very heavy and our hearts ached so much we are surprised they still pumped life through our bodies. We had to use all our energy just to move forward one baby step at a time. Alan and I together barely came up with enough energy to make one functioning person. We felt the loss in every cell of our bodies.

As one bereaved mother put it, "It is a good thing God doesn't answer all the prayers of bereaved parents exactly the way they are prayed or most bereaved parents would not be alive." We have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth.

There were days my heart literally hurt so badly, I was surprised it continued to beat. Now I have learned there is a medical term called stress cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome.

We deal with the struggles of wishing we could go backwards, but knowing we must go forward. Our hearts want to go back, because going forward can be so difficult. Some mornings we awake and hope that is has all been a bad dream. It seems so unreal at times.

My emotions have not gone through stages, but they have gone on a wild roller coaster ride. Some days for every step forward, I feel I take two steps backward. During the times of deep anguish, I felt I was going crazy with grief.

TCF says it takes a mother at least 5 plus years to come to terms with the death of a child. Some reports say it takes 8-10 years before joy and purpose is found again. At first I found this time frame overwhelming, then I realized I had the freedom to grieve my way and in my time. I have come to learn that slowly there is a sense of healing along the long journey.

We miss Clint deeply; We will be forever changed and I am not sure we would want it any other way. Because we realize it is only because we loved so much that we hurt so much.

"Grieving parents feel they have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth." I am unsure of the author of this statement, but I can say I understand the feelings they were expressing.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone".        quote by Rose Kennedy

With time, prayers, friends, and family, the pain is becoming more manageable.  As the fog is lifting, we find we no longer have the life we had planned as a family, but we are learning to live the life we have.  Clint is in every beat of our hearts. We will always hold him and his mischievous smile close to our hearts. We continue moving forward because we must.  We must be the ones to carry on his memory.

We have experienced the depth of parental grief and now we are learning about the breadth of this grief. The breadth of this grief brings on a new understanding of forever. The loss of a child isn't about getting closure or getting over it. It is about finding a way each day to go forward. It is about learning how to build a new connection with our child.  It is about finding a way to carry Clint with us everyday. We will forever be Clint's parents and he our child.

Grief shifts. I have heard the healing process described this way. At first the thoughts of our beloved ones are in the front of our minds all the time. Slowly, these thoughts move to the side of our minds. Then to our shoulders. At last they land in our hearts and we find a way to carry them. They will remain with us always and forever.  I have felt significant shifts in my healing at 18 and 30 months.

As Elaine Stillwell said, "...grieving....is moving the love we have for our child from the outside to the inside."

We will miss Clint until we take our last breaths. The suffering may decrease but not the love. Every day we work at adapting to life without Clint. We are learning to live with the pain. We are learning to survive. Clint will always be in every beat of our heart. Our love will reach across eternity until we unite again. Clint wanted everyone to be happy. We are learning to carry his smile for him. We are learning to carry joy along side of the pain in our hearts. 

I thank God every time I remember you.  Philippians 1:3


If God were small enough to be understood, He would not be big enough to be worshiped.

-Evelyn Underhill

If you would like one of Clint's memorial window decals, we would love to send you one. Just email your address to us.

dreagan856@yahoo.com

When a smile
touches our hearts,
when the forest
stills us to peace,
when music moves us to rapture,
when we really love,
or laugh or dance with joy,
we are one with the angels.

-Unknown

March 26th

All of this spurred me to think about Clint's upcoming 23rd birthday. I wonder, who would he be now? Would he have the same style, would he like the same music, and would he be reaching for his dreams? I know for sure he would have the same sweet smile and warm hug.

With love for eternity,

Mom

The Saturday before Mother's Day, Alan and I hiked a trail in the mountains. On our way back to the car, we saw butterflies everywhere.  Later, I found this quote.

"Butterflies are sent to remind us of love from our loved ones."

"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, and for a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world. But then it flies on again and though we wish it could have stayed, We feel so very lucky to have seen it........"

             May 15th, your birthday, is Butterfly Day!!!!!

I believe our spirit is the best version of the person we are meant to be all along. When we leave our bodily form behind, we may become healthier, more knowledgeable and more content, but I believe we still have our personality. We are still that which makes us unique.

I believe when we have messages from and connections with Clint, they show his personality. I feel this is one reason when we see his name it is often shared with a name of a girl. When I see this I laugh to myself, because this is so much like him to always have a girl by his side.

This summer I traveled to the Grand Canyon with my sister so she could run the Rim To Rim. After picking her up on the North Rim, we stopped at a pull off along the side of the road to take a picture of the most beautiful view we had seen that day. At this one spot of all spots, there it was painted on a boulder on the side of this pull off area, "Klint & Stacy, 6/2005". True the spelling is different, but I will choose to take this as a connection from my Clint. He died on the 6th day of August, 2005. 

Earlier in the day while I was all alone in the vehicle traveling along the long isolated roads around the Grand Canyon, I screamed, I cried out and I talked with Clint. Maybe he left the message to let me know he had heard me.

For an added note: 

There are 8 letters between "K" to "C". Clint died on 8/6/05.
The meaning of the name Stacey is Resurrection