Medical information:
The following is information I have put together for myself; it is not intended to be medical advice for anyone. Although, I do hope it can be of help to others.
Clint was a delightful child who grew into a sweet and happy person. He was creative, compassionate, sensitive and charming, but then things started to change. Now it is believed he may have experienced an imbalance in his brain chemistry. This problem may have stemmed from an underlying genetic predisposition. When there is a biological or genetic vulnerability to any type of mental health problem, substance use often triggers the onset.
Ronald Kotulak states in Inside the Brain. "A single neurotransmitter whose levels are only 5 to 10 percent off normal can affect the way other neurotransmitters work, setting in motion a chain reaction of chemical errors that result in a wide variety of mental problems."*
These confusing changes may have led to self-medication through drug abuse as a way to deal with the symptoms he was experiencing. "Brain chemistry involved in many types of mental health problems appear to be neutralized by certain addictive substance. Thus, "self-medication" can occur years before the mental health problem is recognized."**
We feel the drug abuse was a symptom of a much greater untreated misunderstood problem. A chemical imbalance in the brain is harder to detect than a broken leg or heart disease. After visiting several doctors, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder also known as manic-depressive disorder. The symptoms of this disorder may display themselves differently in a young person and delay proper diagnosis. Sometimes the delay may be years. Some medical experts believe this disorder can develop from undiagnosed and untreated ADD.
Once he received the diagnosis and began treatment, we all expected to work our way through this and have back the Clint we knew before. At one point during treatment, Clint and I discussed his overcoming the drug addiction and being an example to other young people. Although, he was not able to accomplish this while he was alive maybe that can become a part of his legacy.
Since there can be different levels and cycles of this disorder, at times things seemed to improve. But, other times our sweet son seemed to be slipping away. Sometimes it seemed as though Clint's foot was stuck on the accelerator with a faulty braking system. During those times, we were beside ourselves with worry. Clint would always say, "Mom, you worry too much." His safety was my biggest concern. "Did he not see the reasons of my concern?" I wish he had listened to my fears. "Did he not feel the depth of our love for him?" "Did he not know we would have done anything for him?" Did he not understand that I could not be okay until he was okay?
It is our understanding the younger the onset of this disorder; the more difficult it can be to overcome for some. Clint had been in treatment several times. He had support from doctors, counselors, family, friends, and AA sponsors. Sometimes drug treatment seem to be a heartbreaking riddle of what will work for each person. Even with all this love and resources, our efforts did not seem to be enough to make things right again. None of us fully understood the depth of the problems and no treatment seemed to offer long-lasting substantial relief. It is my understanding, that some patients with a dual diagnosis may actually have more problems with their mental health issues while they are in treatment for the drug abuse. It seems they are hit with a double whammy.
It is very difficult, in matters such as these, to help after a child becomes an adult. Sometimes it was as though we were the pit crew calling for the driver to bring the car in for much needed repairs. We felt at times we could see "adjustments" that needed to be made, but we couldn't get the driver to let us help.
Clint was a free spirit and we loved him each step of the way. He had gone through another tough time, but it seemed he was getting back on his feet. The doctor had changed his medication and Clint had commented to me that he believed the new medication was really helping him. With all of my heart, I wanted to believe those words. (Sadly, people with this disorder may not take their medicine regularly. But who can blame them because of the undesirable side effects.)
After many tests were performed by the medical examiner, an investigative team ruled Clint's death as an accident caused by a combination of fentanyl poisoning and bronchial pneumonia. It is my understanding rulings are determined by the level of toxicity found in the system.
Still there may be a question of intention by some people and it is natural to wonder. At times life can be confusing for anyone, without the added burden of bipolar disorder and drug addiction. These burdens distorted Clint's thinking and reasoning skills. Drugs may be abused at times by people with this disorder to feel "normal" and at other times to escape dealing with life’s struggles. (In reality, this offers no solutions and only worsens the struggles.) It is possible that in a confused and impaired moment, caused by the disorder and drug abuse, he wanted to escape his problems. If so, another question remains as to whether it was meant to be a temporary escape or was it meant to be permanent? We will never know the answer to these questions. (I hope anyone dealing with overwhelming problems will seek help.)
I have read the medical records from Clint's doctors and counselors and they all reflect he assured them on multiple occasions; he would never deliberately hurt himself. Friends shared after his death about how in low moments in their own lives, Clint was there for them and helped them through their own low times. Of course, we still don't know for sure. We try to look at the full picture. Clint had registered for fall classes at Pellissippi Community College, he was checking on a gym membership, and we had a trip planned. He was looking forward to becoming 21, and he was looking forward to getting a company truck.
That night Clint played a video game with his dad. He talked with his brother. I was on a trip, but when I spoke to him by phone. I told him I loved him and I would see him in a couple of days. His response to that call was, "Okay. I love you, too, Mom". He always ended each phone call with, "I love you". Nothing seemed unusual or different. He went to bed and never got up again, instead he awoke in God's arms. We were told by the examining doctor, Clint had stopped breathing during the night. His brain forgot to tell his lungs to breathe. Whatever his intentions may or may not have been, his thinking and actions would have been influenced by drug abuse and the bipolar disorder. I have also read that pneumonia can cause a person to not think as clearly. This usually happens in an older patient, but sometimes I wonder about this along with the other struggles.
Clint's death was caused by the disease of addiction. Addiction is a brain disease. "The addicted person has no more control over their disease than someone suffering from diabetes or cancer does. Their struggle is just as painful and difficult for them."
"Most addicted people start down their destructive path when they are children. Children don’t consider the consequences of their actions and they think they’re invincible. Ultimately, they discover that it is the drugs that are invincible."***
It is also my understanding that sometimes in the drug abuse cycle of self-medication and self-treatment, the sufferer can never really know what their bodies can tolerate. The examination revealed bronchial pneumonia which would have weakened his lungs and impaired his breathing.
Perhaps he did not know the strength of the drugs he used that night. Clint died of an intoxication of the pain killer, fentanyl.
"Why would anyone risk death for the high of this powerful drug? For some addicts, it is an unwitting mistake, as they often do not know the composition of what they buy on the street. Incredibly, other addicts intentionally make this choice as part of a desperate search for an increasingly better high. The reason for this behavior is addiction, or one of its fundamental features: the ability to alter peoples' brains such that they can no longer exercise proper judgment or experience normal pleasures. Along with displacing natural "reinforcers" such as food, family, and friends, drugs of abuse also eventually lose their ability to reward, placing the addict on a compulsive quest for more drug and for greater drug potency as their reward circuitry becomes increasingly blunted and desensitized." ****
Perhaps he did not realize how they might interact with his new prescription. Who knows all the things that could have played a part? Perhaps Clint fell asleep before he had a chance to remove the patches. We will never know for sure. We will never know the answers. Now we rely on the research and decision made by the professionals. We believe the measure of one's life is more than the way in which they died.
In the big picture, these problems were just a small part of a dear and precious life. Clint kept his battles to himself and made his path seem easy to others with his sweet smile. So many people loved him. Although, I think at times his struggles kept him from receiving all the love offered to him. We are left with so much love for him in our hearts, and so many unanswered questions. What did we miss and when did we miss it? Where did normal adolescence changes stop and the problems start? At no time, not even in the depth of the hard times, did we ever imagine this outcome. What parent ever does?
How did this begin? Maybe Clint was experiencing some anxiety from undiagnosed ADD. Maybe some depression during hormonal changes. We will never know for sure. Maybe he just wanted to be cool with some friends. Again, we will never know. But we do know, Clint was a wonderful person and so much more than the drug abuse.
Young people with these struggles are not bad kids from neglectful families. They are not weak minded. They are wonderful folks struggling with problems and diseases they and their families may not fully understand. Teens may not want to discuss their problems openly, because they do not want to be seen as different. I feel sad that he wouldn't confide in us more. More work needs to be done to increase everyone's understanding of these health issues.
"There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever" (2 Corinthians 4:18 MSG).
Despite our unanswered questions, we know now he is at peace with his struggles. He fought his battles the best he could. Now he has perfect vision in both eyes. Even though Clint was always a good-looking guy, he never felt he measured up to Abercrombie model standards. Now, he is more handsome than any model. It is our belief Clint is experiencing greater things without struggles, pain and limitations. But, I must admit we are very selfish. We wish we could turn time back and have him here with us. Since we cannot do that, we live each day to honor his memory.
Drug abuse doesn't just affect the user; it affects the lives of everyone that loves them. I hope folks that use drugs to temporarily escape problems realize that continued drug use will also take away the good things in their lives, such as; their plans for the future, their joy, hopes and dreams. Drugs lie. Please don't give the power to control your life to drugs. To learn more about drug abuse you may want to visit http://www.drugfree.org/intervention/ or http://www.drugfree.org/Portal.
http://bipolardisorderweb.com
"Some people sweet, attractive, strong and healthy happen to die young. They are masters in disguise teaching us about impermanence". -Dalai Lama
*from "The Link Between A.D.D. & Addiction, Getting the Help You Deserve"
**from "The Uninivited Guest"
***http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sheryl_Letzgus_McGinnis http://EzineArticles.com/?The-Other-Side-of-Mothers-Day&id=532384
****http://www.nida.nih.gov/about/welcome/messagefentanyl606.html
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His legacy
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